I thought about my goals today, my “vision.” And it wasn’t until after that I realized not once during this did I have a goal based on “eating a certain way” or “looking a certain way.”
I’ve spent as long as I can remember having a goal based on these things, rewarding myself for achieving a certain look and eating a certain way.
One of my goals in life was to meet this “ideal” standard I had created in my mind for how I wanted to look. I always had other goals but this was right up there at the top. I placed importance on this, even my self-worth on this goal.
I think it’s amazing to have goals to work towards and if your goals are based on these things that is fine….eating healthy and getting in shape are amazing goals.
The problem is that these goals weren’t healthy for ME: I was not eating healthy so I would feel good and have good health. I was eating healthy so I would LOOK a certain way. I became afraid of foods that weren’t on my meal plan. I was afraid to try new things because I was scared of what it would do to my body. Every time I would eat anything different I would have this feeling of disappointment and the thoughts would creep in saying “your going to get fat.” I started training a certain way NOT because it was how I wanted to train but because I wanted so badly to LOOK a certain way.
See these goals? They weren’t healthy for me.
My obsession with working out, counting calories, only eating certain foods started to create real stress. I tired to pretend it wasn’t a big deal, I was lying to myself. Eventually the anxiety of it all caught up with me and I no longer could breathe. I couldn’t keep living this way. I wasn’t happy and as much as I tried to convince myself I was, I wasn’t.
I have spent the last 8 months taking a step back from all of this. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but has forced me to finally accept and deal with things I tried to pretend didn’t exist. It has forced me to stop being in denial about these unhealthy habits.
I can’t explain the freedom I feel with not making these my goals anymore, the weight that has been lifted off my chest, the lump that is finally out of my throat.
I would be lying to say I don’t still struggle as that way of living and thinking is hard to completely change but I am continuing to work on myself and being able to handle these thoughts much better. I really didn’t realize how toxic my life had become but since making these changes all of my relationships have improved and strengthened, most importantly the relationship I have with myself.